It seemed like a good idea at the time. Sure, I had heard the cautionary tales:
“Aquariums are money pits.”
“They smell like death.”
“They’re a nightmare to maintain.”
Clowns, I thought. Surely I can figure it out.
I’m writing this because I was wrong.
It all started, if you can believe it, with a 15% raise in our rent. To offset the increase, the roommates and I rented out our laundry room for $500 a month.
It takes a special type of person to live in the room where we clean our underwear and we found the perfect applicant: our friend Mitch. Mitch is just as likely to channel his energy and intelligence into studying engineering at UCLA as he is into learning to kick himself in the head. He was well suited for the laundry room. Within weeks, he transformed a 6’ by 8’ box into an actual bedroom, furnished with a custom-fit bed, shelves, and (not by choice) a dryer.
One fateful day in November 2013, Mitch stumbled upon an aquarium store a few blocks from our apartment. The shop windows hinted at underwater worlds—swaying plants, cragged rocks, and glittering fish. “I remember thinking we could have a dope aquarium for like 300 bucks, probably,” he recalled.
Mitch pitched me on the idea that night. I was on board immediately. I had long fantasized about owning an aquarium. As a kid, my dad had regaled me with stories of his childhood fishtank. It sounded like a rewarding hobby—relaxing and meditative. Call it whatever you want—a quarter-life crisis or a quixotic quest—but I was hooked.
On paper, Mitch and I were perfect partners. Mitch researches projects like a PhD student preparing his thesis. His early exuberance is infectious, but after the initial stages, his dedication wanes. In contrast, I generally need a kick in the ass to get going, but then I excel at the long game—planning, plodding along, and willing the project to its next step. Our strengths combined nicely—a dream team, if there ever was one.
In reality, Mitch and I fucked up our aquarium basically every step of the way. The fact that we still have a fully-functioning fishtank despite our incompetence is a testament to the tenacity of life.
We were awful caregivers—ignorant, neglectful, and petulant. Our pockets were drained of cash. Our time was sucked into a whirlpool. If we had known the path ahead, we would never have taken the first step.
For anyone who’s considering owning an aquarium: think twice. For anyone who already has one: I hope you aren’t as dumb as us. For everyone else: enjoy the schadenfreude.
Here are eleven ways to fuck up a fishtank.
1. Placing a 600-pound aquarium tank on a granite ledge
Mitch and I wanted schools of fish. This necessitated a large tank. After weeks of meticulous research—mostly debating which fish looked the coolest—we decided to take the plunge and buy a 55-gallon tank. We figured that no matter how you sliced it, purchasing a gigantic glass container was the first step.
We identified the perfect spot for our tank: the granite kitchen counter ledge between our living room and kitchen. This afforded a 360-degree view of aquatic bliss.
One problem: the aquarium was four inches wider than the kitchen counter.
This is where our plan went awry. Mitch and I assumed we could extend the countertop ledge with plywood and cork board, and place the aquarium on top.
The following questions would have been wise to consider: But what about gaps in the materials? Won’t those cause fluctuations in pressure? Doesn’t placing 600 pounds of glass on a shaky surface risk the aquarium’s destruction?
We did not ask those questions. Instead, we assembled the tank on this patchwork base, and started filling it with water. We noticed that the water level was uneven. We thought it might even out if we poured in more water. It didn’t—of course it didn’t—our aquarium was not immune to the laws of physics. We checked the internet. “Once filled with water, you should have no more then 1/4″ difference.” We were at 4 times that.
A scene flashed through my head: a squeak, a creeping crack, a leak, and a burst. Water spraying. Fish flying. Our living room carpet soaked through in three inches of water.
There went that idea. When aquarium stands went on sale for Cyber Monday, Mitch and I snapped one up and placed it in our living room.
2. Budgeting $300—or any amount of money—for an aquarium
We had heard that aquariums were expensive hobbies. But we thought we had the two most expensive purchases—a tank and a stand—out of the way.
Laughable. The spending spree had just started; we still had to buy myriad marine miscellanea. The immediate next need was a base: the soil and rocks.
Mitch volunteered to go to our local aquarium store, Aqua Forest Aquariums, solo. I got a call later that night:
Me: “Hey dude. I’m at work. What’s up?”
Mitch: “So I went to the aquarium store… and I kind of blacked out.”
Me: “What?”
Mitch: “Well, I bought the soil and rocks, but they were more expensive than I thought.”
Me: “OK… Like more than $100?”
Mitch: “Oh yeah. Well over $100.”
Me: “How much did you spend, Mitch?”
Mitch: “$360.”
Me: “What?! How did you spend $360 on soil and rocks?”
Mitch: “Well, the soil costs $120, and the rocks cost $240.”
Me: “You spent over $200 on rocks?!”
Mitch: “Yeah. They look so sick though.”
Me: “Go back to the store and return them.”
The problem with Mitch and purchasing decisions is that he always wants the best. So when he sees rocks for $10 a pound (“dragon-shaped rocks,” he reminded me) he goes all in, not recognizing that rocks are heavy, and thus, expensive.
On occasion, I got sucked into the spending whirlwind—see Exhibit A: a $450 eighty-kilowatt light with LED moon lighting (worth it). But other times, I held out—see Exhibit B: the $0 rocks that we gathered from the Tiburon bay.
Either way, Mitch’s initial estimate of $300 would prove conservative. In total, we spent well over $2,000 within the first year.
3. Setting external deadlines
By December 2013, Mitch and I were one month into the aquarium project. And all we had to show for it was an empty glass container on a stand.
Our roommates, Andrew and Joey, were unimpressed. They had given the initial idea a thumb’s down—a fool’s errand, a distraction, a doomed project. At this point, they were right. The aquarium was an eyesore. Joey was particularly annoyed, as Mitch was using the aquarium as leverage to pay off a $200 debt from another failed project. History was repeating itself.
The four of us had planned on throwing an ugly sweater party just before Christmas. A week before the party, Mitch and I promised that the aquarium would be ready, “with at least one fish in it.”
We thought the schedule was straightforward. Day 1: Layer the soil, pour water on top. Day 2: Let it settle. Day 3: Put some plants in. Day 4: Plunk in a couple fish. Day 5: Done, with a couple days to spare. Happy plants, happy fish, happy roommates.
It didn’t work out like that for several reasons. The core one was…
4. Not following directions and inventing our own
How hard could it be? I remember thinking, three bags of soil at our feet. It’s dirt. Just dump it in.
We layered Power Sand—small rocks that gave the roots something to grasp—on the bottom. On top, we poured Amazonian Aqua Soil—some nutrient-rich dirt that Mitch insisted was “absolutely crucial for plant growth.” We shaped a hill in the corner and smoothed a grade from front to back. It actually looked pretty good.
We just had to add water. If we had read the directions, we would have seen this: “Finesse and slow pouring is key.”
Instead, I dumped in a pot of water like I was filtering macaroni through a strainer. The carefully-sculpted hills looked like they had been struck by a meteorite.
Mitch was livid, and took over. Although he reduced the flow from a firehose to a trickle, the damage had been done. By the time we had filled all 55 gallons, the aquarium figuratively and literally looked like shit. We figured that we just needed to let it settle for an hour or so.
If we had read the directions here, we would have seen this: “It takes about seven days for Aqua Soil to settle. Don’t tamper with it.”
Instead we thought we’d accelerate the settling process by removing pots of dirty water and adding fresh water. Nope. Not only did we remove essential nutrients, we just succeeded in making the water murkier.
If we had stopped there, we would’ve just been garden-variety idiots. But in the face of mounting ugly sweater peer pressure, we took it a step further.
We turned on the filter, thinking it would tranquilize the turbulence. But no, this just stirred up the tank more. It was like turning a dormant nimbus cloud into a volatile cumulonimbus.
By now, it was past midnight. Our apartment was a wreck. Dirty brown water seeped onto the tiled floor. Our sink was clogged with this Amazonian soil bullshit. Because of it, our garbage disposal had broken; when Mitch attempted to fix it, more murky water sprayed all over our kitchen (and to my delight, Mitch’s face). We were fucked—Andrew and Joey were going to lose their minds.
We cleaned up as best as we could. It didn’t help much: the aquarium looked like a pig’s trough, and our apartment the pig’s pen.
As I was getting ready for bed, I heard the front door creak open. It was Andrew. I chirped, “Hey man, Mitch and I started setting up the aquarium.”
“I noticed,” he deadpanned, walking past me. As he closed his bedroom door, he added, “I don’t want to hear another word.”
The next morning, the water was still a deep brown. As it was for the next six days following. Needless to say, it was an inhabitable environment for fish.
The aquarium was the laughingstock of our ugly sweater party.
5. Placing the aquarium in direct sunlight
Did you know that sunlight produces algae? Well we didn’t. At least not until it was too late.
A month after the ugly sweater debacle, we introduced plants to the aquarium. We couldn’t have known it then, but those plants brought microscopic bits of algae.
After a couple weeks, the algae bloomed. Since our tank had been lifeless for months, the algae was actually a welcome sight. It looked pretty cool—green threads undulating with the flow of the filter. But that sentiment did not last. After a couple more weeks, algae had usurped the tank as the dominant presence. Something had to be done.
After consulting our friends at the aquarium store, we learned that algae is a universal problem for aquarium hobbyists. The best way to avoid it is to keep ambient light away from the aquarium. Of course, geniuses that we were, Mitch and I placed the tank in full view of our wall-length glass window. And since the tank weighed well over 600 pounds, the tank wasn’t going anywhere. And neither was the algae.
We had a few strategies to combat the algae blooms. We recruited Siamese algae eaters and plecos, which chomped up and down the aquarium, growing in size with ample nourishment. And on a weekly basis, Mitch and I would roll up our sleeves, dip our arms into the tank, and tear at the algae with scissors, tweezers, and our bare hands. We even bought a black blanket to cover the tank during the day.
Occasionally, Mitch and I seemed to win the battle. But peacetime never lasted—algae was a stubborn and elusive foe. For the vast majority of our aquarium’s lifetime, the flora and fauna were shrouded in velvety green mediocrity.
6. Governing by natural selection
I’m not sure whether Darwin would have been proud or horrified, but our fishtank was a microcosm of survival of the fittest.
We introduced our first fish in March 2014. We’ve hosted a dozen different species of marine life since then: colorful dwarf gouramis, albino cory cats, hulking Congo tetras, sleek bosemani rainbowfish, shy discuses, contemplative blue rams, three species of shrimp, and two waves of snail infestations.
The one thing these creatures have in common? They’re all dead.
I can’t say exactly what we did wrong—fish are fickle—but I have a few theories. When we didn’t change the water for weeks, the fish would die. When algae choked the aquarium with oxygen, fish would die. When we subjected the tank to rapid change—a little too much cleaning, those unappreciative fuckers—fish would die. Sometimes they died for no apparent reason, like they were just sick of our aquarium and decided to give up.
It takes a hearty type of fish to live through the turmoil, and a few have lasted. Our first Siamese algae eater is massive now. The cardinal tetras keep on trucking. But that’s it. We currently have 12 fish swimming in the tank, out of over 100 that have ever flapped a fin.
At first I would get genuinely sad. It’s always a bummer to flush a fish down the toilet (although we prefer the euphemism, “off to swim in the ocean”), and see the lifeless fins artificially flap once more in the current.
Well, with one exception…
7. Guppies
Protagonists require antagonists. A hero needs a villain. In our story of the fishtank, the bad guys were unified by genetics: the guppies.
Guppies are well-loved within the aquarium community. Their brilliantly colored tails shimmer like ribbons. They float near the surface and give the aquarium aesthetic balance. Mitch and I diligently picked out our favorite guppy species, and settled on a mix of lemon cobras, blue cobras, and orange sunshines. We placed an order on LiveAquaria.com (yes, you can buy live fish on the internet), and they arrived the next day.
We’re not quite sure how, but the package contained unexpected guests: four fat brown guppies.
Whatever, we thought. Free fish. We acclimated all ten guppies to the tank, and released them into the wild.
It didn’t take long for Mitch and I to resent these unwelcome visitors. They were a bane on the aquarium. Whenever we sprinkled food near the surface, they hoovered it before the smaller fish could nibble a flake. We deemed them bullies. Divas. And worst of all, they were a boring brown in a school of exquisite color.
Oh, and we learned that the brown guppies weren’t fat. They were pregnant. Fifteen more specs were floating through our tank.
In between shots of whiskey, we decided to dispose of the brown guppies, once and for all.
It was painful. For twenty minutes, we jabbed a blue net through the water and terrorized the aquarium. When we caught a brown guppy, we sent it to swim in the ocean. We justified this displacement by freeing up food and space for the other fish.
But really, it was an aquatic annihilation. So who were the bad guys? The guppies? Or us?
8. Leaving Mitch to his own devices
When it’s time to clean the tank, Mitch and I have a routine. I’ll ask, “Hey Mitch, want to clean the tank?”
He’ll wince, slouch, and groan,“Aaaaah, not tonight.”
“Why not?” I’ll ask. “You’re just sitting there on the couch.” He’ll look at me like he’s constipated, and then groan again.
I would say one of two things here. Scenario A: “Fine. I’ll do a bit tonight and you do some tomorrow.” Or Scenario B: “Fuck it… I’m just not cleaning it at all then.”
I almost always chose Scenario B. You’re probably muttering tsk tsk. Something is better than nothing, right?
You’d think. But you’d be wrong. When I did opt for Scenario A, it backfired.
By June 2014, our aquarium was in relatively good shape—strong plant growth, beautiful fish, and clean water. The big issue, as always, was the algae. It was unbearable. So after Mitch and I did our little song and dance, I volunteered to scoop algae on Sunday if he chipped in on Monday.
Lo and behold, I came back Monday night to a clean tank. Mitch had done his part. I was ecstatic. Mitch sat on the couch grinning, like a golden retriever who had just presented his owner with a sock.
On Tuesday, the tank looked even better. The water was clear, the algae had been decimated, and the aquarium appeared less cluttered. As I was admiring it, I said, “Hey Mitch… Is it just me or are there fewer fish in here?”
He glanced at the aquarium. “I’m not sure. I was kind of thinking the same thing.”
I searched the tank. The guppies were nowhere to be seen. The tetras weren’t hanging out by the log. The plecos weren’t near the filter.
Wait.
“Mitch, when you cleaned the tank yesterday, did you remember to put the filter intake top back on?”
The answer was evident in Mitch’s guilt-ridden face. “What the fuck, Mitch?! Like seven of our fish have been sucked up into the filter!”
Mitch grimaced. “Aaaaah shit… man, I don’t want to clean that. Just let them disintegrate.”
I lit into him. “Disintegrate?! Are you fucking serious? Mitch! You are cleaning this filter. Take responsibility for your actions!”
He hemmed and hawed, sitting there like a lump. So I removed the filter and drained it. It was a grisly sight—fins, tails, and pale floating bodies. Four fish were dead—all the plecos and a guppy. Miraculously, there were two guppies and a tetra still alive. Barely.
From there on out, cleaning the tank was a two-person job. Usually accompanied with blasting trap music.
9. Enabling the critics
Our aquarium was fodder for the peanut gallery. “You should get more plants,” a friend would say. “Why do you have so many plants?” another would ask. The armchair critics abounded.
The worst offender was our roommate Joey. He contributed nothing, and yet offered endlessly inane commentary. He obsessed over the algae growth in particular, espousing a theory that our high-powered light was the culprit.
We ignored him. As he is wont to do, he repeated his points louder and more defiantly. We still ignored him. Frustrated that his arguments had fallen on deaf ears, he took matters into his own hands.
On most days, I decompress from work by gazing at the fish and inspecting the tank. On this particular day in February 2015, however, I couldn’t do much inspecting. The tank was shrouded in algae—the water was a solid wall of green.
It made no sense. We had just cleaned the tank a few days before. Maybe the lights had gone haywire? I fiddled with the switch. No response. Weird.
The light was plugged into the power strip as usual. The power strip, however, was unplugged entirely. Which meant that the filter, heater, and light were all turned off. A stagnant tank is algae’s best friend. No wonder.
But why was the power strip unplugged? Mitch hadn’t touched it. I hadn’t touched it…
Joey.
He had gone on a rant about the light a few days before. That same night, he attended Wing Wednesdays at a local bar, undoubtedly imbibing several Tecate tallboys. I was asleep before he got back.
I fished the story out of our other roommate, Christina: the night before, Joey had stumbled into the living room. Emboldened by Mexican beer, he decided to prove his point once and for all. But instead of unplugging just the light, dumbass drunk Joey unplugged the entire power strip instead.
I cornered him the next day. “Hey Joey. Can you explain why the aquarium filter stopped working?”
The jig was up. He knew it. I knew it. “I thought it was the light,” he replied sheepishly. Then adding, “It was Christina’s idea.”
“And why did you unplug the light?” I asked.
“Because I thought it was causing algae,” he replied.
“Interesting,” I retorted. “So what you’re saying is that by unplugging the light on your incorrect hypothesis that it created algae, you caused a 5x growth in algae by also unplugging the filter. How ironic.”
It was delicious. Joey was like the annoying twelfth man who subs himself in and airballs a layup. He kept his commentary to himself from there on out.
10. Bringing in an outside consultant
Mitch sprung the news on me in May 2015: our friends had a room open up—a real room—and he snagged it. This meant that we had to find a new roommate.
We found a suitable candidate: Aaron, a recent college graduate from the East Coast. During the roommate interview, he revealed that he loved aquariums and would be willing to help. That won him the room.
Which was great, because our fishtank was in a sorry state. The algae was overwhelming. The water quality was poor. The fish looked lethargic—just a few fin flaps from death.
Aaron moved in on a weekend when I was out of town. I came back on Sunday and was surprised to see our aquarium clear and clean.
With half the number of fish we had on Friday.
At first I was pissed. This aquarium guru comes in and kills ten fish in a weekend? Did we just agree to live with a serial killer? Unbelievable.
But I couldn’t be that upset. It was my fault that the aquarium was in terrible shape. All Aaron did was clean the tank. The fish had become so accustomed to filth that its removal was their downfall.
Even though I’m listing him as one of the eleven, Aaron turned out to be far from a fuck-up. He breathed new life into the aquarium. He eradicated the algae, sculpted the scenery, and recruited a school of new fish. The tank looked amazing.
Although Aaron’s stint was short-lived—he quit his internship after three weeks and moved back home—he left a lasting impact. The aquarium still looks great to this day.
11. Throwing in the towel
Just before Mitch moved out, we watched the sun set from our balcony and reminisced about the aquarium. We laughed and cringed recounting our many missteps. Even though Mitch was moving just 10 minutes away, I knew this amounted to sole custody of our fishy children.
It occurred to me that we avoided the one fuck-up that would have ruined the aquarium: we never threw in the towel. Early in the process, when the tank was a thick sludge of brown, we considered selling the parts for scrap on Craigslist. But we trudged along instead. We didn’t give up.
Which is why, in spite of it all, I’m proud of us. Because make no mistake: owning an aquarium is a commitment. It takes time, money, and effort. Most of the time, the fishtank felt like an enormous burden.
But then there are moments when it feels like someone hits the mute button on the city streets, and all that’s audible is the soft trickle of water. The fish dart through cracks in the driftwood; the plants dance in a synchronized sway. The light catches and shimmers off the scale of a cardinal tetra, radiating blue and red. Worries of the past and apprehensions of the future melt away, and the world shrinks to the shifting mass of flora and fauna inside my living room.
In those moments, I’ll think: It was worth it.
Awesome read, love the writing style. This type of writing can only come from real life frustration.
lol
Humbling!
OMG I WAS LMAO. Yes, aquariums ARE a LABOR OF LOVE. I love mine. I sot and watch them for long periods of time. I set up my 2 -10 gallons and a 5 1/2 gallon on the Island next to the table we eat at. Its fun! The fish have become pets and interact with us.
They ARE ADDICTIVE! But they are fun and beautiful.
Thanks for your story. I had the best time laughing reading it..
Tess
Now you should get a ferret. When your underwear goes missing and you find the newly constructed nest. Good times.
I have 4 ferrets .. I stopped wearing underwear and socks like 2 years ago
Right on
That was a great story.
Haha, I had a 10 gallon aquarium. I didn’t use any guides. I just bought all synthetic ingredients, multi-colored rocks, plastic plants, a filter, heater, and I happened to keep it on my dresser where it didn’t get much sunlight. I was told by the lady at the pet store that lived 1 mile away that we could use tap water since we both owned wells and although that water was high in iron content it seemed to do fine.
Although I only bought 3 fish for the tank.. I could have bought more, but my one mistake was not studying which fish went well together. Anyway, my cleaning ritual was to drain the tank and scrub it clean. I never bought any algae eating creatures.. Unfortunately I cleaned the glass and scrubbed it too hard one too many times. This caused a crack in the bottom of the tank. It didn’t crack when I was cleaning it in the bathtub, but later when I had it filled back up with water.
Water started pouring out from under the tank and onto the floor. I was living with my parents at the time and fiance so we could save for a house. I called in my mom to help. She panicked and picked up the tank causing the entire bottom to drop out. This caused 10 gallons of water to end up on our floor. It went through the floor into the basement where my dad was working and actually dripped on his head.
I will not mention what substances I may or may not have taken that day, but I was quite concerned about the well being of the fish so I kept yelling, “save the fish” and my mom kept trying to grab them and they would wiggle away from her grasp until I had to push her out of the way (not hard) and grab them myself. I put them all in a cup and eventually in the 1 gallon tank I kept them in when cleaning the tank. Unfortunately this caused one of the fish to die about 2 weeks later. The other one lasted another 6 months or so. I forget what kind that was, and the final zebra fish lived for about another year. Long past when I moved out and had a house of my own.
My mom took over feeding the fish and I assume cleaning the tank. We gave up on filtering and heating at that point.. Anyway, that’s my aquarium story. I haven’t bought another one since.
Now that I am divorced and no longer own a house I don’t think I’d want one in the apartments that my girlfriend, her cat, and our very young son live in. Not only are the apartments too small for a decent sized aquarium, but either the cat or my son would find a way to destroy the tank.
Maybe when my son is older I will get another one. I did learn a lot from doing it once. I just need to find a way to keep the cat out. I don’t trust the lid of the aquarium. That might just cause the cat to knock the whole thing over. I don’t know..
How heavy is your damn cat? A 5-gallon tank with water is 62 pounds. Maybe you should feed your cat less tuna.
Also, that zebra fish was mean to the other 2 fish. It basically was a bully, not just by stealing food, but by constantly ramming into the other fish. I don’t recommend zebra fish. They are not chill. I’ve heard that if you get a couple they aren’t as bad, but they might make it hard to feed the other more chill fish that you do have.
Finally, since this happened over a decade ago, I’m not 100% sure if I did away with both the heater and the filter when I switched to the 2 gallon tank after the disaster. I may have kept the heater since it fit okay. I don’t remember. I had a strip that told you the temperature that I moved from the big broken tank to the smaller tank and the temperature was still not too far off from 76-78’F at all times.
I also made sure to buy all my fish from the pet store. Everyone I know who has bought a fish from a department store hasn’t been able to keep it alive for more than a couple weeks. I was able to keep all of my fish alive for several months and if it wasn’t for them falling on the floor after my mom picked up the tank they might have lived longer. If I recall, one just trapped itself in a small pocket of water not sustaining much of a fall at all, and the other two just hit the carpet.
“I hope you aren’t as dumb as us.” Wow, rest assured, that would be incredibly difficult.
so great ,found myself actually laughing aloud ,oh the memories ,just great…
Alex.
I am howling over here, kid.
Was researching some fuck-ups of my own, when I stumbled upon this… I could not stop reading.
Absolutely ridculously hilarious.
If you wrote a book on life in general, I would buy it. First for myself, then for everyone who means anything at all to me in this world.
Thanks so much for making me laugh over and over again. Needed that today.
Regarding the book thang: think about it. Seriously.
Be well,
Kristen
yeah huge money pit. You got to cycle your tank and establish a biofilter taking weeks natrually or speed up with nitrifying bacteria. Planted tanks with the right substrate and clean up crew shrimp and snail will basically clean them selves and get a UV 9w algae killer. No need for SAE. Monitor pH, temp and get a filter with biomedia so when you “clean” all you clean is the filter not the whole thing or your mess with biofilter. Add enzymes and no sludge. Bi weekly water changes depending on bioload. No smell crystal clear looks like there’s no water. I even added a reverse ungravel filter. Got a mini purigen reactor surface skimmer. I just empty and fill with R/O UV artisan full contact remineralized Cal mag iron ions from undersink setup Freshwater systems. A couple keybumps of Kent pH neutral and maybe ill try “RO right” and sometimes scrub glass. Clean prefilter sock and big debris filter.
Thank you! The main cause of death throughout this story (outside of the guppy murder spree and sheer stupidity) appeared to be the nitrogen cycle – most likely ammonia poisoning. I’d also like to point out (for those who don’t know) that this comment is mostly talking about a high tech set up and that you can absolutely do a low tech set up with none of the things mentioned after ‘add enzymes’ although you will still need to do water changes (25%) weekly and scrub the glass (algae is normal – please stop killing plecos).
I feel your pain. Awesome article dude!
I too was sucked into the search why this fish died or the other type went missing and how I had to stick my hand into the 30 ga mass of water to fish out (ha no pun intended) another dead angel fish when I found your post. I’m sitting here at 11:00 pm on a work night reading and laughing and wishing you had more posts to read. I didn’t want it to stop! I agree with the person who said they would buy your book if you wrote one hahaha. Great writing!!!
Overall an excellent article! I had a good laugh..
Great story & excellent writing skills! I found it by accident as after having a 10 gallon tank for 8 years & going thru alot of what you did i am graduating to a 29 gallon. I could relate totally LOL.
This made me chuckle. Reminds me of my first big fish tank, though it went a bit smoother than yours. When i was roughly 11, i begged my mother to get me a big fish tank, i told her how responsible i was and that i would take good care and that i would feed and clean it. So she got me a 75 gallon tank with hood light and a filter. So all started out well got some sand and glow in the dark rocks, vibrant fake plants and caves and whatever else my little heart desired and it was actually a decent looking tank. now came to stocking it. I wanted a brackish tank, now that might have been where everything went wrong. We went to petsmart and she let me walk around and pick my fish, now i loved that. I got some nice looking dalmatian mollies, four pufferfish, two crabs, and a few platies, after taking these home and acclimating them all was well, i fed them and lived by the rule “if the tank don’t look dirty then it isn’t” and surprisingly all my fish lasted a year before one of my crabs died. Now this may seem insignificant but if you know anything about those damned things it’s when they die they let out a toxin. Little me did not know these and scooped him out and buried him(we did not flush i did not find it appropriate) and after that it went down hill super fast, first my platies died, then my second crab followed shortly after and then my mollies, My puffers were fighters but they lost the fight and passed. Now i was upset, i promised my mom that i would take the best care of these fish and they all had died within the span of two-three weeks, So my solution was if she didn’t notice, she didn’t need to know. That lasted about a day then i told her and she was pretty okay about it and while i didn’t restock the tank i did keep it nice and clean up until we got rid of it. Now i own 5 fish tanks ranging from 3 – 6 gallons and i love them, though if i decide to ever do that again no mini crabs for me though i do miss my puffers.
I loved this!!!
You’re a pretty good writer, you should keep it up
That’s a great story!! Sadly it’s very true.
That is so hilarious because it’s so true.
Ohh dear god, i’m about to embark on my first fish tank, but without a jovial flat mate to help with the adventure. I have a nagging mrs that is convinced i will fail and kill everything…
I plan on only getting tetras, as i can nip out to the shops and quickly replace any dead ones, convincing her of my manly prowess even if i cluck it up.
Seriously, I was not expecting this. Great story & amazing writing style. Give yourself a pat on the back. I was trying to find some info on whether my aquatic
plant was dead and found this. Best random occurrence of the night. Btw. Love your domain name.
Oh man. I couldn’t stop reading. That was brilliant!
Great story! My betta got sucked into the filter chamber because I filled the tank too full. He sleeps on the top of the heater and just slipped over into the filter tank. That was a month ago and he still hasn’t forgiven me for that.
Awesome story!! I love your article, and you wrote an excellent story.
Need advice ….Is placing a 6 feet tank on a 5 feet table Ok ? Alternatively, can i a plank/sheet of 8 mm ply on top of the 5 ft table and place the 6 ft tank over it
NO. I seriously hope you reconsidered. Assuming your tank is a 125g, that’s 1400 pounds. Are you going to entrust an undersized table with over half a ton of water and about a thousand dollars worth of tank, rocks, equipment, decor, and fish?
Thank You for sharing this story. I had a simple fish tank as a kid, with goldfish that lived forever in a tank barely maintained. Only when the furnace overheated did the poor guys go. I remember the trauma from finding them.
As an adult, I am now re-living childhood experiences and maxing out, and have been very pleased with results.
Your story and adventure will definitely be a huge contributing factor to any success I have.
Algae was an issue as a kid. Noted to keep that in mind. A lack of maintenance led to repeated disease. Hopefully, I can instill discipline into maintenance!…
Also you’re a great story teller. That should work well with the ladies.
This really made me laugh,
I yearn too, to look out to the sunset with a glass of scotch and reminisce of times past with my old fish tanks. It was sadly a lone hobby. But, thankfully now my boyfriend wants his first fish tank, the nostalgia is burning in my soul again. We two will battle the green algae as a pair of fish ninjas.
Good times.
This was an awesome read dude and I must say I’ve made many of the same mistakes. When I was in college living with my brother I didn’t do any water changes for more than a year, I would just top it off every week and though that was good enough. I have no idea how the fish survived, the toxins in that tank must have been unbearable. Anyways sounds like you guys had a lot of fun and have a great story that can actually help out beginners in the hobby.
Thank you Thank you Thank you, this was a great story. My 19 year old son just set up his first tank and has been obsessing over it so much, I Googled “Is it normal to obsess over your new fish tank” just to drive him nuts. We read this story together and totally cracked up as it shares some similarities to our story. In this day and age laughs are so valuable yet so rare. Thank you again.
I read this out loud to my husband; we have just started a 20 gallon tank and are trying to do it right, yet have already made soooo many amateur mistakes! Yes, I have already spent my budget ten times over! We laughed so hard reading this excellent piece of writing… so relatable and hysterically funny…
Sounds to me like you guys were just shitty, uninformed aquarist who didn’t take adequate time beforehand researching freshwater fish and setups before diving right in. Let this be a lesson to all who attempt to try the fish hobby. DO YOUR RESEARCH BEFORE buying the tank and fish. Smh.
Curious….Did you allow the tank to fully cycle before adding fish? It usually takes about 3 weeks.
I now see you had issues with ammonia poisoning… that is most likely because you did not allow your tank to cycle. I have lived and leaned.
Cycling wasn’t mentioned.
Thet didn’t even research the basics enough to know about algae, so I’m 99.999% certain that all those poor fish died from ammonia poisoning.
*they
I happened upon this when … well I don’t really know how, but it showed up in search and wanted to know just how you had fucked up the tank, so I clicked.
I’ve not laughed so much in ages.. I think probably all newbie fish keepers have done that! I gave up on plants completely after I killed two catfish because the pump failed and overnight the plants consumed all the oxygen and they suffocated!
On another ocassion I decided to put a few neons in with my Kribensis who proceeded to hunt and eat them!!! Horrified I think I managed to save one of them but the rest didnt make it.
My small tank was like a swamp with so much algae that you would have had to scrape a window inside to check the fish.
Anyway, you get the picture!
Thanks for the laughs and hope you now get to enjoy your fish.
Reminds me so much of my first tank! 4 ghost shrimp, a cherry, and a mystery snail, all in a 2 gallon tank! I was so stupid! Fed them fish flakes too! most of them survived miraculously until one of my roommates poured bleach into it. I upgraded to a 4 gallon, i have 3 guppies, 1 amano, 5 cherry shrimp, and 3 assassin snails. I know its way overloaded, but i have a huge filter to simulate a river environment and all my tank residents are perky and happy! I never do water changes, and everything still looks perfect. no algae or anything? is that uncommon? Anyway, loved your story and related to it alot!
Really enjoyed your story. Timing is perfect. Two weeks ago I killed all of my 12 fish through insane, agressive cleaning, accidental poisoning and other dip shit moves. And yes I shed some tears. But I’m back at it and am now cycling a 20 gallon. Thanks for making me laugh and feel less guilty!
My biggest problem is the tanks multiple. I have a $20,000 sps reef tank my 11 year old has a 30 gallon sps tank and my 8 year old has 2 tanks filled with fish she catches in our lake including jaws the largemouth bass
I’ve been feeling bummed that my fish (neon tetras) haven’t been doing so well (some have met death), but after reading this I don’t feel so bad.
I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time.
I mean what did you think would happen? Those are all things you should know before owning a fish tank, its not that hard to have a fishtank if you are responsible for it, and actually take the time to research what you are doing.
Was quite an amusing read, but very common mistakes that many people make. I found this article to be quite valuable for beginners – https://www.fishzaking.com/blog/8-common-beginner-fish-keeping-mistakes-to-avoid/
We all learn from our mistakes, right?
You guys are a bunch of jokes. Why get inside a hobby even before researching. And worse of all u guys are lazy to take care of ur fishes. Poor fishes. Shame on u all
Oh, and I suppose you’re the fish keeping god? Never made a mistake in your life, never had a fish die on you? You’re just oh, so perfect?
I have several tanks. Basic set ups. I don’t check ph, nitrates, nitrites, etc… Frequent water changes – weekly and all is well! I have lost maybe 5 fish in a few years!
I’ve had fully planted tanks of all sizes for years. All of witch are highly successful. So successful I had over $300.00 in credit at the local fish store from selling my plant trimmings. I also routinely helped their customers set up planted fish tanks for their customers. Setting up the CO2 system the trickiest. I agree Fish tanks are extremely expensive to set up, but to maintain not so tough. All of my tanks being heavily planted normally don’t need water changes as the plants absorb the fish waist and keep the algae down.
My current tank being a ten gallon is well planted with different Mollys swimming around (one had babies), and Otocinclus macrospilus – aka ‘oto. I do have some kind of a fuzzy hair algae on my drift wood, but not out of control.
Where do you find your plants? Online or at a store? Also, what kind do you recommend. How many hours of lighting? The leaves on my plants in my 20 gallon are becoming splotchy and thinning out with small holes.
I tried 2 places online, for Java moss & a cardinal. The cardinal came in mostly dead, and I waited so long for the Java (the first package was lost in transit,) I ended up planting my tank without it…
I looked up fish/aquarium stores and went to a place with high reviews, who only work with fish. They had specific plant only tanks, they had 4 55G tanks, filled with just gavel and plants. They also had a mini fridge full of plant cultures. They helped me tweak my list of plants to better suit my tank, and recommended a clip on Fluval Nano light, that helps plants grow amazingly fast.
So, don’t go to a petsmart or petco, go to a fish specific store, and they’ll have your tank blossoming with plants.
That fuzzy hair stuff is most likely black beard algae. It is something that is introduced to your tank and the fact that you are selling your plant trimmings to your pet store means that the spores will probably be on the trimmings you sell too. It is a real nusence (I am currently trying to eradicate it in my tank) it can easily get out of control (your Molly’s are most likely eating yours) please look into it further before selling anything more to your pet store.
Brilliant!
What a ride. Thanks for sharing, great read with some good advice thrown in too!
This was a great read …. I have read it out loud to 4 friends and each time we all laughed until we thought we could not laugh any more. Please consider continuing to write and share it with others … You truly have a gift!
Can I get your advice once I get my aquarium stand?
Absolutely shitty article. Wow you’re so witty killing a hundred living creatures by being drunk, inbred, uncaring morons. Try learning before you do some aborted, half ass experiment like this again. Seriously the most cliche of frat bro stereotypes.
Agreed. Not even a mention of cycling as well. It’s not that fucking hard to research before you buy a LIVING THING. Just seems to me like these imbeciles only wanted ornaments.
I have several tanks. Basic set ups. I don’t check ph, nitrates, nitrites, etc… Frequent water changes – weekly and all is well! I have lost maybe 5 fish in a few years!
I laughed out loud several times reading this. My roommate got me a Betta fish in a tiny (in my opinion unethical bowl) for Christmas and I’ve been researching aquariums online and in pet stores for several weeks now. I really admire you guys and your dedication. Haha. Great writing. Thank you.
Jesus how hard is it to do some fucking research? You talk about how you put in all this effort when in reality all you did was kill hundreds of fish thanks to carelessness and complete lack of remorse. Fuckass.
Awesome writing skills. It is sad to watch a fish die, knowing there’s nothing you can do. I’ve been trying to get a tank of tiger barbs going. Out of 10 only one has survived. Don’t even know what’s going on. They seem fine for a few days then I’ll look the next morning and their eyes will be bulging out, wont eat. Keep my water changed, water levels are close to normal most of the time. Any advice would be appreciated.
There’s plenty that they could have done, most important being fucking research.
And if you’re watching a fish die and there really truly is nothing you can do about it (unlike these idiots who seem to see living things as disposable), euthanise with clove oil in a small container of tank water. There IS something you can do to end suffering.
An 80 “KILOwatt” LED light huh. Jeezus that thing must be brighter than the sun!
Having had prior algae issues of my own, your article “title” got my attention. Soooo glad I read the entire thing! Hilarious….fun….and mostly spot on. As I sit here in my living room enjoying the hell out of my “crystal clear” 65 gal tank, your article had me reminiscing back about a year ago when the algae monster reared it’s ugly head in my tank and my poor fish were literally in the green abyss! It took a while (I flushed several fins too)….but, after much work and many unsuccessful attempts, things finally turned a corner. I laughed out loud more than once reading this. Thanks for the smiles tonight and enjoy those beautiful fish!
Not a mention of cycling. Sad. No wonder so many fish died, they were having to put up with water that wasn’t properly filtered! You NEED to cycle filter media (cultivate the beneficial bacteria) before adding any life, which takes AT LEAST a month. I feel so bad for those animals.
AND after that you need to change 25%+ of the water at least once a week, making sure to re-up the appropriate water conditioners/buffers that remove the things in tap water that are there to make it safe for human consumption but are highly toxic to fish.
Tut, tut.
It’s just so gross to me that you seem to see living creatures as disposable, and are too lazy to do basic research. And people are praising you for your writing instead of calling you out! Like what!?
Great read!! I laughed out loud..great fish story.
Sure sign of a good story is laughing out loud, all alone in the house. Great read!
III
II must say I must say this is the funniest article I have read in a long time. Your writing style is off the chart. Kudos to you. I am presently working on a tank with turtles and fish and it has been a battle.
It looks really ridiculous right now. However, I hope that in the future, it will look better.
You write well and made me laugh this morning. Well done.
I really enjoyed reading this. Nice writing, and a fun story for aquarists who know these kinds of struggles very well. I’ve definitely had my own ups and downs with my aquariums. There’s always hope in your darkest hour. Ultimately, you proved this to be true. Thank you!
Awesome read. Keep writing!
I like your writing style, it flows nicely. I wanted a female Betta sorority tank for well over a year before I decided to make it happen. I lost my service dog in Dec 2017; he was my soulmate, and I have a bit of a “shrine” dedicated to him. While I want his paw prints, pictures, ID tags, ashes, etc up on the dresser, I found myself getting “sucked in” to it. I would stare at it any time I was in the bedroom, which often resulted in crying, so I wanted something to distract me from it all. I needed a small tank, since it was going on the same dresser as his “shrine.” I first bought a Fluval Spec III, which was a great tank, but I thought if I could fit more gallons by adding height, (unlike many fish, female bettas actually use the whole tank, not just one of the top/middle/bottom.) I settled on Marineland’s 5 gallon Portrait aquarium. I then decided I needed to have live plants (THIS TANK IS INCREDIBLY HARD TO PLANT IN, as it’s tall and narrow, so you can’t use 2 hands while planting.) I used Flourite gravel, root tabs, Fourish Excel, and I upgraded my light to a Fluval Nano that has an app on my phone to control the light setting. THIS LIGHT IS SO WORTH THE MONEY! I have Ludwidgia Repens that grew over an inch in ONE WEEK. By the end of week 2, I actually had to trim them down- they were starting to pop out of the water. In all I planted 12 plants (even though the Repens had 5 stems each, so really there were 25 Repens’ stems I had to get into the gravel.)
The tank’s decor involves only plants and a nice vertical slice of driftwood. My plants include the 25 stems of Ludwidgia Repens, there are 4 Amazon Swords, 2 Monte Carlos, and 1 Mini Reineck.
I spent $90 on plants, $55 on the tank, $80 on the light, $25 on the plant specific gravel, $20 on the driftwood, $30 on the bettas, at least $70 on the various shrimp and Otto Cats I tried, and another $100+ on chemicals, plant/ Betta/ shrimp food, filters, an API Master Test Kit, etc. So, I’ve spent around $500 on my tank so far, and it’s only 5 gallons- of course $300 isn’t enough to set up a 55 gallon live planted tank.
I know everyone is going to say I have too many creatures in my tank, but it’s so densely planted that 1/2 the time I don’t even see anyone out swimming. I have 4 female Bettas (1 veiltail, 2 crowntails, and 1 half moon,) 4 Amano Shrimp (I tried 6 cherries and 2 blue diamonds, but my girls murdered them,) and 3 Otto Cats (that are small, but the Bettas don’t bother them for whatever reason.)
It’s the live plants that are time consuming. If I was just doing normal water changes (I take out 30-40% every week, and I only feed once a week, since I do have quite a few inhabitants in my tank,) I’d be done in 10-15 mins if it was only water. It’s the plant grooming/trimming any leaves that start browning, skimming the leaves from the top, replanting any plants that have lifted from the gravel or are barely in the gravel, etc. I had an algae problem by the end of week one, (and my tank gets almost no natural sunlight. Our apartment has northwest facing windows, so the light that comes in isn’t strong at all, and the tank is towards the back of the room.) I thought I needed to make the lights less strong/reduce their daylight hours they were getting, but I really just needed to scrub the walls and get shrimp & otto cats, and they took care of it.
Having this 5 gallon has been a learning experience (I’ve had a 20 & a 12 gallon, but never live plants.) While my tank is a pain in the ass, I still want at least a 29 gallon when we buy a house. I don’t think I could go back to artificial plants, even though the tank would be 10x easier to care for. Live tanks look so natural, like you scooped out a section of a lake and put it in your house, and that’s the look I want- bringing the outdoors inside. I know you can get some very realistic fake plants, but nothing beats the real thing, and the fish just love them.
This may be offensive, and I don’t mean to be a jerk, but almost all of your actual tank “fuck ups” were really common sense. A gallon of water weighs 10-12lbs, a 55 gallon tank should have 50-80lb of gravel in it, it can’t be hanging off of anything …When you pour water over dirt, it turns into mud, and therefore clouds up any water…Putting aggressive fish with community fish- they’re in separate categories for a reason…The sun makes things grow, if you add water, you get algae…If you don’t clean it, it’s going to be a hot mess… You need to take out only 10% of the water at that point, too much clean water is going to shock your fish and they’ll die…and the $300 guestimate, no…I kept reading, assuming there would be critical information that could help me keep my tank clean and lively… but, no. Honestly, you guys seem to have no common sense and didn’t do any research beforehand.
FFS for anyone else who stumbles upon this blog, DO NOT flush your fish down the toilet when they die! >:( It takes one google search to see all the reasons why that’s a terrible idea.
I’m a new aquarist and while I’ve made some mistakes of my own in recently setting up my tank, I would hope that after killing at least 10 fish, one would ask a professional for advice instead of choosing to remain ignorant and constantly ‘fucking up’ their fish tank.
Also PSA for any fellow newbie fish-keepers, there is a LOT of things to research before getting fish, and frustratingly, there is plenty of contradictory advice and information from pet stores, websites, and forums out there. If you feel like a fish out of water (excuse the pun lol), ask someone who’s experienced with fishkeeping MUCH earlier on rather than waiting for literally hundreds of living creatures under your care to die from randomly guessing at what the cause of their suffering is.
I’m sure you both had good intentions when starting your aquarium and in publishing this post. I really hope you’ve learnt a lot from your mistakes, and would appreciate a 2019 update on the fish situation just so other people who find this blog will at least take this hobby seriously.
Cheers.
We got my 7 year old a small fish tank to help him be more comfortable sleeping alone in his room. Today after he went to sleep all of his fish died. He doesn’t know yet and I’m frantically cleaning the tank and combing the internet for reasons why and I came across your story. I needed a good laugh and a reminder how difficult this can be. Seriously man thank you. Fish – gaaaaaah!!! Lol!!